Leave Me Alone
by melancolie
Summary: Howard is being stalked by two people in his past whom he'd much rather forget. But when they're determined to find him, will he be able to get away?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Hey. 'Sup? Melancolie here. I'm a new fan. But I've seen all the episodes already. Several times each, actually. :I

Also, just so you know, I tried to use English slang as much as possible, but keep in mind that I'm not English. I'm American. So if I get some stuff wrong, hey, that's why.

Also, also, this chapter is a bit lacking. I'm not always like that. This is still the first chapter. I'm still fleshing the story out myself. :)

I guess that's it.

Enjoy the show.

* * *

"Howard, what are you doing?"

"Huh?" I stood up straight and looked behind me to Vince standing in the doorway behind me.

"What are you doing there?" He asked, nodding at the table in front of me. I looked down at what I'd been working on, then looked back up at him as he walked towards me.

"Well, Vince, I figured, what would the point of Stationary Village be if there weren't any people to inhabit it?" Vince gave me his famous 'what are you on about?' stare (you know the one; where he turns his head to the side and widens his eyes as if he were frightened), so I elaborated. "I was making little tiny people out of thumb tacks and rubbers that I pulled off some old pencils." I said flatly. He picked one up an examined it closely. Sure enough, a tiny pink rubber was attached to a tall, white thumbtack.

He looked at it for a minute, then grinned and said, "This one's so white. It's you, right?"

I looked at him for a second, surprised he said it, then looked back down at Stationary Village, and said, a little embarrassed, "Actually yes." Then I grabbed a few others, and showed them to him. "This one's you," I said, showing him a black thumbtack. "This one's Naboo," a purple thumbtack, "and Bollo." I said, showing him the brown thumbtack. The rubber on the brown thumbtack was slightly used, giving it an almost hairy look.

Personally, I was rather proud of my work. What was better for Stationary Village than little Stationary Howard, Stationary Vince, Stationary Naboo and Stationary Bollo?

However, Vince just looked at me like I was mad. "No 'fense Howard, but you've got way too much free time. You need to get out more often. I'm going to a party tonight. You should come with me."

I looked at him through squinted eyes. "No, thanks. No more parties. Not for me. Not for Howard Moon. You remember what happened last time." I said, thinking about the birthday party he'd thrown for me. That was definitely one experience I didn't want to relive.

Vince just whined. "Oh, come on, Howard! That was one party. Nobody even remembers it anyways!"

"Yea? So then, how come I'm still washing 'Howard Moon, Thirty-Five Year Old Virgin' off the windows every morning?"

"That's just some stupid kids! They probably don't even know, anyways!"

"Vince, have you read the paper?" I asked him. Knowing he hadn't, I grabbed the day's newspaper from the shelves behind me and opened it to the third page. Vince looked at me curiously, before I said, "Look at this." I pointed to the bottom left corner.

In said corner, a small column was titled 'Howard Moon Monitor.' Under the title, it said, "No action yet. Maybe someday, Howard."

Vince just looked at me, pouting. "You can't let this kind of thing get to you, Howard! So you get snubbed a couple'a times, big deal! You just have to get over it and go on with your life."

I looked at him incredulously. "Easy for you to say! You're Vince Noir, hipster extraordinaire! I'm Howard Moon, permanent wallflower!"

Vince just shook his head, and said, again, "Oh, come on Howard. How can you ever expect to be noticed if you spend all your time in the flat?"

I shook my head. "I'm not going."

* * *

"I can't believe I'm going to this stupid bleeding party." I groaned later.

"It'll be fine, Howard. Just... don't be yourself." Vince said, already looking through the crowd for someone to dance with. "And don't say a word. If anyone addresses you, I'll answer for you. They can't hate you for your appearance." Then he looked at me again and squinted his eyes. "I just wish you'd shave off your moustache."

"Isn't it enough that I let you attack me with your hairbrushes and hairspray, and let you play dress-up?" I asked. "Ungrateful little jerkoff." I added, but he knew I didn't mean it. In fact, I wasn't even sure he was listening to me.

* * *

About three hours before the party started, Vince called me into the toilet and said, "Howard, sit." Curious, I sat. Then he pulled out his straightening iron and hairspray and said, "I'm going to help you, Howard. Don't fight it."

Contrary to his words, I tried to stand up, but he just wielded his straightening iron at me and said, "Don't make me use this." Looking at him nervously, I sat back down. He smiled. "Now, let me give you some advice." He said, as he started at my hair. "First of all, don't talk."

I opened my mouth to protest but he just said, "Ah-ah!" I sighed, and shut my mouth. "No 'fense, Howard, but you don't know how to socialize." I felt the straightening iron near my scalp, and I tensed up, expecting it to burn. It didn't. "So, I'll socialize for you. I'll answer any question directed at you, and if anybody asks, I'll just say you don't like to talk much." Again, the iron was near my scalp, and again, I expected to get burned. Again, I didn't. "Alright?"

I sighed, and said, "Vince, I don't know about this."

Vince just sighed, and crouched down in front of me. "Howard, do you want to be a virgin forever?" He asked, looking me straight in the eyes. I just held his gaze. He brought his iron down, level to our eyes, nodded quickly, saying "Yea?"

I sighed. "Alright. I won't talk."

Vince smiled. "Cool." Then he stood back up and continued straightening my hair. "Another thing. No 'fense, Howard, but you haven't got any rhythm. You're too white. So, you aren't allowed on the dance floor." Then he grinned. "You'll play this cool, aloof kind of bloke who can't be bothered with other people. You'll see. You'll be a hit." Then he frowned, and said, "Bugger. But people'll ask you why you aren't dancing." Then he snapped his fingers, and said, "Alright. The only things you're allowed to say are, 'My name's Howard,' 'No, not Howard Moon,' and 'I don't dance.' Got it?"

Sighing again, I nodded. Vince smiled again.

After my hair was straightened and poofed to a height I didn't even think was possible, Vince took me into his closet.

And by closet, I mean the extra room in the flat. Even using the entire room, the room's closet and the closet in the room we shared, he still had clothes scattered in every room. I had some drawers and a quarter of the closet, and still had extra space. He looked at just about every article of clothing in his wardrobe before handing me a pair of dark pants, a grey shirt and a dark grey blazer. Then he handed me a belt, some wristbands, a hat and a pair of uncomfortable-looking boots and directed me into our room.

As I dressed, I cringed. I was throwing away all of my principles concerning accessories. When I was completely dressed and accessorized, I looked at my reflection in the mirror, and cringed again. I looked foolish. This wasn't Howard Moon. This was another one of Vince's disposable friends, the ones that were his 'best mate' for a week before he forgot they even existed. But Vince came in and looked at me, and said, "Much, much better. Oh, wait." He adjusted the wristbands. "They go above the jacket sleeve. Now, just don't speak, and you'll be a hit."

Then he led me to the sofa, and sat me down. "Alright. Now, I have to get ready. Don't do anything." He warned, then scurried off to the bathroom to do his own hair.

I felt like a poseur. This wasn't me. And shouldn't I be more worried about finding a girl who would like the real Howard?

Then I realized that, judging by my past experiences, there weren't many of those, and I groaned. Maybe Vince was right. Maybe I had to loosen up. Stop forcing my jazz on everybody. It obviously wasn't working.

An hour later, Vince finally emerged, dressed and ready to go. "Ready, Howard?" He asked, grinning widely.

I sighed. I wanted to say no, and that I'd never be ready to go, but he looked so excited that I didn't have the heart to back down now. "Yea. Let's go."

* * *

And so, I found myself standing, quite alone, against the wall in the too-cramped room, watching Vince dance in the middle of a crowd. I observed them disinterestedly, idly wondering if he would ever actually allow me to dance.

I hadn't yet been approached by anybody, but on the plus side, nobody seemed turned off by the idea of my being there. Nobody recognized me, either.

As I stood there, sipping out of a cup that had God-knows-what alcohol in it, two girls came up to me, and said, "Hi." I looked at them and, remembering Vince's rules, just nodded before looking away. The girls hovered for an instant before one of them said, "I'm Becky. She's Jenny."

I looked at them as their introduced themselves, nodded, and said, "I'm Howard." Then I looked back at the dance floor.

They looked a little nervous, and the other one said, "You're not Howard **Moon**, are you?"

I shook my head. "No. Howard Barratt." I lied. Not looking at them...

Their nervous expressions melted into the welcoming smiles they'd worn before. "Oh. So, you want to dance?"

I shook my head again. I still didn't look at them. "No thanks. I don't dance."

They nodded. There was a pause before one of them said, "So... do you want to get a drink with us?"

I opened my mouth, finally looking at them, then remembered that I wasn't allowed to speak. So I shut my mouth, shrugged, and nodded. I followed them over to the bar. As I walked, I caught Vince's eye, and he looked at me questioningly. I pointed at the two girls in front of me and nodded my head. He grinned and nodded his head, mouthing the word 'Alright!'

I nodded, before turning back to follow the girls to the bar. I ordered another drink, and they ordered theirs, and we started to talk.

Or, at least, they did.

* * *

I spent about an hour sitting there, listening to them rather attentively. Since I wasn't allowed to talk, I just nodded, and said "yea" a lot. They seemed to enjoy that, and just kept talking about themselves.

Finally, Vince waltzed on over, saying, "Alright, Howard?" Then he grinned at the two girls, and said, "I'm Vince. I see you've met my mate Howard?"

They nodded, exchanging glances. "Yea. He's an intriguing guy."

I almost laughed. I was intriguing? I hadn't said ten words! But still, somehow, I hadn't yet revolted them, so I just grinned, and looked down at my feet, abashed. Vince just grinned. "Innhe?" Then he said, "Well, Howard, if you don't mind, I'm going back to the dance floor. You want to come?" He asked.

I shrugged, and said, "Thanks, Vince, but you know I don't dance."

Vince shrugged noncommittally, then winked at me, and said, "Alright, mate, I'll just leave you to it then." Then he nodded at the two girls again and said, "Alright?" Then he headed back to dance.

I almost grinned. Vince was sure enough of me to leave me alone with two (rather attractive) girls. I must have been doing something right.

The two girls started talking at me again, and I continued to listen. I started getting a little anxious. I had intrigued them, yes... but would it be enough to 'seal the deal'?

Soon enough, though, it didn't really matter. Because, during a lecture on how common it is to meet jerks at that specific bar, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and froze. No. It couldn't be. Not tonight!

"Hi there. I'm Old Gregg."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Hey guys! Melancolie again. So, where we left off, Old Gregg had just come back to find Howard.  
Yikes.

Anyways, to those of you who reviewed or favorited or story-alerted, thanks, guys! I appreciate it loads!! :)

Well, I'll try not to bug you down with trivial details, so all I'll say is, enjoy the chapter.

* * *

As Old Gregg stared at me excitedly, and I stared at Old Gregg in horror, the two girls I'd been talking to looked around me at Gregg. I couldn't see their faces, but judging by the tone of voice one of them used when she'd asked, "Do you two, uh... know each other?" I could only imagine they were almost as horrified as me.

As I stared at Old Gregg, transfixed, I became even **more** horrified when Gregg said, "Yes. Howard knows me. He's seen me. My downstairs mix-up. It means he loves me." The whole time, he wouldn't look away from me, and I couldn't look away from him.

The two girls probably exchanged looks, before looking at me. "Is this true, Howard?"

Gregg answered for me. "Yes. I only speak the truth. In fact, we were going to get married before he got called away on business."

The two girls scoffed, and one of them said, "Uh, you know, Howard, it was nice talking to you, but we just remembered, we have dates tonight. With guys that aren't engaged to..." They looked at Gregg, who looked at them with wide eyes. Gregg said, "Man-fish."

"Right." They said, scoffing. "Bye, Howard." Then they walked away, leaving me alone with Gregg.

I couldn't help but keep staring at Gregg, and Gregg wouldn't look away from me. I couldn't even speak, such was my surprise.

"Are you happy to see me, Howard?" He asked earnestly, still looking into my eyes, not blinking. "I'm happy to see you."

I opened my mouth, and took almost a whole minute to search for words. When I could finally find some, I whispered, "How did you find me?"

He smiled, and launched into his story.

* * *

When I had come back into my dining room, after going into my wardrobe to pick out my favorite dress, the first thing I noticed was that Howard wasn't sitting in his chair. His cup of Bailey's was still full, and his fish was still untouched. The next thing I noticed was that the Funk was gone. My mind immediately leapt to a conclusion.

Howard had been called away to business, and whatever that business was, it required the Funk. Howard **was** a musician, after all.

Deciding I would wait a while before going to see him in action, I went back into my wardrobe and continued searching for a wedding dress that might match Howard's clothes.

However, after several hours had passed, I had come to the conclusion that Howard might have gotten hurt. Perhaps he was mugged by some lowly creature who also desired the Funk. Or maybe he got hit by a car. He might have even drowned. Not everybody can be as good a swimmer as Old Gregg.

So I swam up to the surface, and looked around me. I was surrounded by my waters, and couldn't see the land too well. The little white moon in the sky was still completely round, but closer to the Earth than it was last time I'd been to the surface, before Howard had left. The giant yellow Sun would soon rise. I swam to the shore, and stepped onto the land. Then I walked to the closest place to me and stepped inside.

There were many men inside, all talking and several were making music. When I stepped in, though, they all stopped and stared at me rather intently with wide eyes and wide mouths. Not caring, I said, "Where is Howard Moon?"

None of them answered me, and I grew impatient. I walked up to the man behind the bar, grabbed the front of his shirt, and said, "Tell me, boy. Where is Howard Moon?"

The man simply stared at me, his mouth agape, and whimpered, "L-London, sir."

I let him go, and said, "I knew it." Then I walked out, leaving them silent and shaking in my wake.

The next day, I went to London, with nothing more than a jug of water and the clothes on my back. I attracted much attention from the other men around me, but I didn't want their petty attention. I had to go find my Howard. And, now that I was here, we could get married in a church instead! It would be such a beautiful wedding. It would be beautiful.

Then I realized something very important. I hadn't the slightest idea where Howard lived! I didn't even know if he lived in a flat, or a house, or if he even had a roof over his head at all!

So I started asking around. Surprisingly enough, it didn't take very long for me to find out. I just asked a few kids, and they pointed me directly to his flat. I went right over, to find that he wasn't home, and that the place looked quite empty. I went to the flat next door and asked them if they knew what happened to Howard, and I learned that he'd moved that very morning.

I went on to ask the neighbor where, but she just shut the door on me and told me to ask the landlord. When I asked her where I might find the landlord, she told me to go upstairs to flat 7.

The landlord wasn't home, so I sat out by his door and waited. It had been several hours before the landlord finally returned home, but Old Gregg hadn't lost hope.

Well, when he came in, he was surprised at first to see Gregg, but Gregg stood firm. I asked him if he knew where you lived. He said he couldn't tell me that. I told him we were engaged. I told him about the boat times, and about Howard's love games. I didn't mention the Funk, for fear he would want it and would find Howard before I did. But he still wouldn't tell me. He said that if I wanted to find Howard so badly, to walk around, look around at fliers. Attend some parties. But he wasn't allowed to tell me where Howard lived, so he couldn't help me.

Dejectedly, I left.

However, I took his advice. Over the next few weeks, I went to many clubs and crashed many parties. Sometimes I got caught. Mostly, I didn't. And then, finally, I got lucky tonight, and found Howard at a party, talking to two girls who were probably his sisters. So, to surprise him, I waited until his back was turned to me, and finally went up to him and tapped his shoulder.

* * *

As I listened to Old Gregg talk about his attempts to find me, I realized that he wouldn't give up. He was determined for us to be married, and wouldn't give in until I obliged or I was dead.

Which meant that I had to get the hell out of there, fast.

I took several deep breaths. Gregg continued to stare at me earnestly, all bent over and crouching. Then I said, "I see. Gregg, I need a moment to... get over your... plunder. Alone." I said warningly. "How about you go to the toilet and freshen up, and when you come back, we can go get some coffee and discuss this?"

Gregg nodded hastily, and toddled over to the bathroom. Before he was all the way there, he said, "You'll still be there when I get back?" I nodded hurriedly, and Gregg smiled and went inside.

I ran straight onto the dance floor, rushing to find Vince.

* * *

"Vince, we have to get out of here, **now**." I pressed, grabbing his arm and pulling him towards the door. He resisted.

"What'chu on about? What, you blow it with those girls already?" He teased, still dancing. I turned back to face him, and his smile fell when he saw the panicked look on my face.

"D'you remember a few weeks ago, when I was kidnapped by Old Gregg?" I asked him urgently, speaking quickly. He nodded, looking wary. "Well, he's found me. Here. We have to leave!"

Vince nodded, and we headed straight for the door. As we passed it, I was worried that Old Gregg was watching me, could hear me, would come out the door as we were walking by. But my worries were unnecessary, because we walked right by it and Gregg didn't come out.

When we got outside, I paced for a few seconds, wondering what the best course of action would be. Should we wait around to take a cab? Should we take a bus? We weren't far enough away to take the underground, but we were too far to walk. But I couldn't sit still long enough to wait for any other mode of transportation.

Vince, however, kept his cool. "Come on. We'll walk round the corner and wait for a cab there." I nodded, and followed him as we started walking.

"So, Howard, you never exactly went into the details of what happened with Ol' Gregg." He suggested, almost jogging to keep up with me in my hurry to put as much distance between me and Gregg as possible. I nodded, and said, "Give us a minute, Vince. I'll tell you when we get back to the flat."

* * *

We caught a cab easily enough, and drove back to the flat. Vince did all the chatting for both of us, amusing the cab driver with stories about other cabs he'd been in. I didn't listen. I was a little bit preoccupied looking about me for a flash of pink tutu or green seaweed.

When we reached the Nabootique, I paid the driver and practically flew from the cab door upstairs to the flat. Vince followed me slowly, obviously not needing to hurry and panic as much as I was.

He got upstairs and took off his jacket, putting his hat on the table next to the couch. Then he sat down next to me on the couch, and said, "So, Howard, what happened?"

I told Vince everything. I told him about the "boat times." I told him about what was under the tutu. I told him about the cave, and the Bailey's, and the watercolors. I told him about Curly Jefferson, and how Gregg never blinks and about the engagement. "And then you got there, so I grabbed the Funk and ran." I added. Then I went on to tell him about tonight. How Gregg found me. How he scared off the girls. How I told him to go freshen up, and that I ran for my life.

Vince just stared at me. I nodded. "Yea. That's Old Gregg for you." I said. Then I sighed and put my head in my hands. "What am I going to do?" I groaned. "He's going to follow me no matter where I go. I won't be able to go to the pub, or to our gigs or even go to the shops without worrying he'll find me."

Vince just sat there, holding his chin in his hand, then he snapped his fingers and said, "I've got it."

I looked up at him in shock. "What? What've you got?"

"I've got a plan to get you away from Old Gregg." He said, grinning.

I stood up and followed him downstairs into the shop. "Yea? What's that?"

He turned to me and grinned. "We're going to talk to Naboo."


End file.
